Key News

Dec 6, 2017

crew list

1,4839 - Dec 6, 2017

Eternal Patrol

Aug 30, 2017

Deck Log

Sep 3, 2014

 

Reunion Info 

 

Reunion Assoc.   Members

 

Past Reunions

  Reunions 02 - 06

  Reunion 08

Reunion 10

       Reunion 12

    Reunion 14

Reunion 16

 

History

    Early Days

   Overhauls

   Decomm

  Awards

  COs

 

PHOTOS

By Location

Topside 

Torpedo Room

Operations UL

Operations ML

Operations LL

Missile 

AMR1

Reactor

Amr2

Engine Room

 

By Decade

1960's

1970's

1980's  

1990's

 

Photos with Stories

Oct 11, 2011

 

PORTS

March 30, 2009

 

videos

June 24, 2009

 

Halfway Night

 

Sub Sounds

 

Sea Stories

Jan 15, 2015

 

Plank Owners

 

Crews Mess

 

Sub Humor

 

Key Papers & Souvenirs

Sep 3, 2014

 

Qual Cards

July 5, 2010

 

Key Wives

May 27, 2009

 

About Us

 

Ships Store

 

Submarine Humor

Updated 09/09/08

 

Submitted by Kirk Parnell 84 - 88 - Drawn on the Key - 

When I reported to the "Key" in 1984, she was in the Newport News Shipyard for overhaul.  The Topside Sentry was Fred "BodySlam" Boheim.  He and I later became friends, sort of.  But I did become a life time member of the Fred Boheim Fan Club.  I even have a t-shirt to prove it.  Really, I do.  The next 3 pictures I saved from my patrol days.

 

 

The QM Div Pic of Patrol 50 was drawn by Chris Barrows QMSN. From left to right:
Cmd. McWillians (Navigator Gold); SN Barrows dozing off (notice the smoke rising from his missing rating patch, this guy was always in trouble and busted more than once.  QM3 Chris Kjellin, (division clown and all around nice guy); Me- QM2 Kirk Parnell, (trying to figure out where we are), QMC Chris McCool, (Short little guy who partied too much, once he left Kings Bay going to get some Krystal Burgers and ended up in a strip bar in Savannah.  He returned late and slept through the getting underway procedures and missed most of the piloting team as we sailed out the St. Mary's river and got a royal chewing by the Nav., but he was an awesome Quartermaster.)

 

 

 

 

 

07/18/07 From Chris Fowler, FTB Blue Crew 73 - 77


 

02/08/07  Got this one from Harry Baker TM Blue Crew 71 - 73.  It's called The Piano Player

There was a ragged, old, retired Submariner Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby! We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer. The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!


While scanning the web I came across this list of 100 suggestions for the ex-submariner that misses "the good old days on the boat".  It was on the web site of Darrel Damon, SSBN 659 - Will Rogers and is included here with his permission (I've modified a few of them).

 

Now get your favorite beverage, sit back and read these simple suggestions and before you know it, you'll be back on the boat.  If this doesn't make you laugh, seek immediate medical assistance.

 

If you miss the good old days on the boat, you should...

1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack".

2. Repeat back everything anyone says to you, only louder.

3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sun light. Only view the world through the peep hole on your front door.  
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than 2 gallons of water per shower.
5. When someone is in the bathroom, go up to the door, pound on it hard and scream "COURTESY FLUSH!".
6. Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don't go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gages and indicators every 30 minutes.
7. Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and then, only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then watch a different one.
8. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded Laundromat you can find.  Mix your clothes in with someone else's.
9. (Optional for Nukes and A-Div) Leave a lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut using only your electric razor.
11. Take hourly readings on your electric, gas and water meters.
12. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
13. Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen, never use it.
14. Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
15. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli, soup or any green sandwich meat).
16. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.  
17. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
18. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
19. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
20. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months. Limit showers to weekly for all guests. (Unless they are interested in electronics....force those guests to shower three times daily and wear bottle of stale after shave following each shower).
21. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
22. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
23. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
24. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
25. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
26. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep", run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for sea".
27. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
28.Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
29. Use
Kool-Aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
30. Fill laundry tubs with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
31. While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel fuel... savor the aroma of AMR2LL.
32. Install more commodes in your bathroom. Serve many greasy meals and ensure the entire family goes to the bathroom together. Share 1 roll of toilet paper.
33. Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
34. Just for fun, rig 700 PSI air to the bottom of all toilets. Hold a lottery to determine who gets to control the air valves.
35. Knock a glass of water out of someone's hand and yell 'SPILL'. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again.
36. Give your wife more free time. All the ironing goes under the mattress.
37. Ask for 'permission to enter' whenever you go into the kitchen.
38. At night, replace all light bulbs in the living room with red bulbs, place obstacles on the floor to trip over.
39. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them. Put 10 pounds of potatoes in each pillow case and hang them from the shower curtain rod.
40. Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them.
41. Rope off a small area of your living room, turn off the AC, put on a yellow suit and mill around inside the roped off area for an hour with a zip lock bag tied securely around your head. Insure the family critiques your actions afterwards.
42. Whenever someone enters a room you're cleaning, shout "up and over" at them so they'll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
43. Tell your kids to "go find me a can of relative bearing grease".
44. Whenever the mailman steps onto your porch, shout "Postmaster General - Arriving" so that everyone in the house can hear you.
45. Paint the windshield of your car black. Make your wife stand up through the sunroof and give you directions on where to drive. Drive through as many big puddles as possible.
46. Start every story with "This is no-shit" and end each story with "and that's the gods honest truth".  Then tell the same story again only different.
47. Order a dozen foxtails and tell your family that there will be no liberty until every thing in the house passes the white glove test.
48. Tell your kids there will be a pressure test in the garage . The kid who can take the most turns in the vise will get to stay out later Friday night.
49. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly" that you forgot to shut the valve.  Make her and the kids clean up the mess.
50. Sew your shirts to your pants and replace the buttons with Velcro.
51. Install a furnace and air conditioner vent that blows directly in your ear while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds. Also install a multi-channel entertainment system over your rack that doesn't work.
52. Install the system above where it will cause a 6 inch vacuum in the bedroom.  Call someone to open the door from the other side.
53. Make your kids some Kool-Aid and add 5 times more sugar than normal and then set it out to get hot.
54. Raise hell with the old lady when she serves steak next time. When she says that's the way it came from the store, you ask BURNT?
55. Hire about 20 drunks to come into you house about 1 in the morning and start cooking.
56. Just have someone chew your ass over nothing, daily.
57. Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename it "The Cow."
58. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however slight..."
59. Every Friday morning at 7:30, wake the whole house up and inform them someone is trying to steal the car, then make them clean the whole house for 3 hours, then serve them lunch with consists of 2 hamburgers that have enough grease in them to change the oil in the car, buns that weigh more than a TDU weight, and raw french fries. Then run various drills in afternoon so that you have to burp into your scuba mask reliving the lunch.
60. Practice walking quickly with your back to the wall.
61. Work at golf course maintenance so you can water golf cart batteries.
62. Go shopping and buy 25 cases of string beans.  Have your friends and neighbors line up to bring them from your car to the cellar.  Park a block away.
63. Cut a hole in the floor of your house and install some batteries. Go down there once a day and take specific gravities.
64. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's sock.
65. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watch standers and night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
66. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
67. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
68. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
69. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.  Hang 100 centerfolds in the bathroom.
70. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
71. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate  daily injuries sustained aboard subs.
72. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.  Use unrecognizable meat.
73. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
74. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit, then switch to powder.
75. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 40 F and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
76. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 110 deg F.
77. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
78. Make sure every water valve in your home has two backups in line which must all be operated to obtain water.
79. Every four hours, check all the fluid levels in your car and log the readings. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tags on ignition stating "DANGER: Do Not Operate" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to placement of the red tags, the results of the checks, and have him repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
80. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
81. Surround yourself with 125 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language.  Thirty years later, go to reunions with them.
82. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Naval Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
83. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording on log sheets all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc).
84. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
85. Lock the bathrooms twice a day for a four hour period for no apparent reason.
86. Practice taking a shower with a quart of water.
87. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body neither knows nor cares if it day or night.
88. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times/day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.
89. Wash your laundry in a detergent that could be used as an insecticide or sheep dip. Make sure you lose at least one sock and one pair underwear every other week.
90. Run a tube from your car's exhaust pipe into your living room, yell "prepare to snorkel", and start the car. You must breathe the fumes for one hour.
91. Vent your septic into the house and yell "venting sanitaries inboard".
92. Shut off all the breakers in the house and yell "reactor scram', sit in the dark for at least an hour.
93. If any light bulbs should inadvertently go out (ie. reactor scram above), make sure you hang danger tags on the light switch, fuse or breaker box, lamp plug or cord, home master breaker panel and also notify the local utility company (maneuvering) of what you are doing and demand their approval. Make sure both you and the wife sign the tags. Next tie a rope to yourself and have someone who just as soon see you dead hold the rope in case you get electrocuted while changing the bulb.
94. Write a procedure in triplicate for every job you do around the house. Have a friend check your work and make a minimum of 5 changes. When finished and the new forms are ready, have your wife verify that the procedure is correct but make ten changes anyway.
95. Find out how long it will take to do a job. Give yourself half the time it should take, then have someone scream at you for not working fast enough.
96. Make sure all your personal belongings will fit in a 2'X2' space that has lots of cables running through it.
97. Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost room to squeeze by.
98. Drills:
    a. Yell "Torpedo Evasion" and run through the house knocking over everything that isn't bolted down.
    b. Yell "Man Overboard" and throw the cat in the pool.
    c. Overflow the bathtub and yell "Flooding in the bathroom".
    d. Put your stereo headphone on (don't plug them in), stand in front of the stove and yell "Battle Stations Missile".
    e. Install a fireman's pole and a ladder in your living room so you can practice yelling "Dive-Dive", have the wife slide down the pole while you time her.

    f. Have your kids run into the kitchen and yell "Fire in the deep fat fryer!" three times fast.

    g. On a foggy day, have the kids go up on the roof and yell "Collision immanent!" three times fast.
99. Continuously pop your ears to simulate snorkeling.
100. Sit up from 1130 to 0530 in front of your stove to insure it doesn't turn on by accident.
 

Got any more to add?  Send the along to ssbn657@comcast.net