our many roving reporters

our many roving reporters.  Each article must be typed, or handwritten

in pen, pencil, magic marker,or crayon ... which ever suits you best.

They can be written on ruled paper, typing paper, shit paper, Kemwipes

or SORM pages.  Just submit and subscribe.

************ NEW WELDER QUALIFIED THIS WEEK **************

Ops ML- UPI-  This week saw the qualification of ICman welder,

Roller Skate (Da Flash) Pierce.  Roller Skate went through all the

different types of welding in order to complete thefive week course.

For his final test the Instructer had Pierce choose an original type

of welding in order to pass.  Pierce chose to weld fuses together with

a Simpson.  He 4.0ed the originality part but made less than 2.5 on

safty when he forgot to wear goggles.  The Doc says he’ll be alright,

so suck it up ‘E’ Div.

*********  FIRST MAJOR FLAPPER OF THE PATROL *************************

Port Head- SOL- The first major flapper of the patrol occurred at 0330

12th Sept. by CS2 Thayer.  A resounding round of applause followed

the loud gushing sound heard throughout half the boat as a Garboon reporter

Was on the scene to interview the drenched cook. His first words, after

finding out that he was the first to produce a “Biggie” was, “I wasn’t

gonna let anyone in the wardroom out do an enlisted man.  Thayer was

Referring to the mini-flapper that had allegedly occurred in the Ward-

Room head this past week.



                                   ( 2 )

********************  THE BILGE TROLL STORY  *********************


  In the deep, dark recesses of Bilgedom lurks creatures known far

and wide to sailors as Bilge Trolls.  These Trolls are responsible

for the thefts of many items that were once in the possession of

our men.  They hide in the dark corners of the bilge waiting.

Waiting for a chance to reach up and grab something out of your

hand and take it to be stored in some odd corner of the bilge.

They will take anything.  Tools, lighters, Kemwipes, logs, clip-

boards, pens (red and black), coffee cups (which he usually smashes), 

film badges and soon....TDL’s.  their entire purpose in life is to

collect as many of these items as they can so they can raffle them

off for the Rec. Committee.

  They are usually unseen, but they can be described.  Short

enough to run under deck plates easily, thin enough to squeeze in

between thick pipes, and ugly enough to blend in with the oil and

muck that they use for camouflage.  They have extremely long arms

and huge hands. Their arms can extend from the lower level bilges

all the way into the upper level overhead to snatch things away 

from unsuspecting sailors.  Reportedly they can walk on water and 

be able to skip from one end of the bilge to the other in micro- 

seconds to cause havoc with two sailors simultaneously embarrassment.

  These Trolls come in different categories and can be labeled

as to what compartment they live.  There is the Torpedo Room Bilge

Troll who saddens the life of un wary Torpedomen.  There is the

Snake Pit Bilge Troll who’s habit is grabing people by the leg as 

they walk over the open hatch.  His sister works in the Battery

Well and has caused the loss of many hydrometers.  The Missile

                                 ( 3 )           (cont’ on next page)

(Bilge Troll Story cont’)

Compartment Bilge Troll who makes life miserable for Missile Techs.

Then there is one of the meanest Bilge Trolls around, the Reactor 

Compartment Bilge Troll.  He is so mean that they have to lock the

RC door to keep him contained.  He calms down some when the Reactor

is shut down.  Further back aft we find the Machinery Two Bilge 

Troll who lurks somewhere under the diesel.  And last, but not

least, is the mighty Engine Room Bilge Troll, who was recently 

elected King of the Bilge Trolls for  his efforts in making life hell

for Machinist Mates.

  These denizens of the deep strike at any moment.  When you

least expect it they are right in the middle of a job waiting to 

take a tool away from you. You can hear them as they head for their 

selected storage space with the tool they have taken.  They beat 

on pipes with it to let you know that that is the last time you'll

ever see that tool again.  In order to get it back you'll have to

enter their domain to wrestle it away from them.

  So remember friends, the Bilge Troll waits.  Who knows where

they will strike next?  It could be your best buddy, or it could

be YOU!  And remember....THEY WAIT!




                                 ( 4 )

                            PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

    The Garboon Tribune in line with it's policy of bringing you all

the news that is fit to print plus a bunch of shit that isn't, in this

issue is fortunate enough to have an exclusive interview with the last

surving member of a group of men who helped build the country. Playboy

magazine was trying to get this man for it's December issue, but the

Tribune through tireless effort during which money was no object is

the first to bring you this in depth look at a great time in our country's

history. The time when America was young and the great Jerky herds

roamed the plains.

    Yes readers, today we bring and interview with the famed Jerky hunter

Jerky Jessie Lowman.

G.T.- “Jerky, I'm sure many of our readers have never had the opportunity

to see a Jerky. Will you describe the animal for US?”

J.J.- “Well, the Jerky was a right pretty animal. Stood about 12 and a

half hands high and had a magenta color about him. Looked sorta like

a cross between a goat and a cantaloupe.”

G.T.- “Don't you mean antelope?”

J.J.- “Naw, he looked more like a cantaloupe.”

G.T.- “That is rather unusual. How did you shoot these beasts?”

J.J.- “There were many methods, but the most effective I found was us-

ing a Daisy 1000 shot B-B gun loaded with #4 Buffalo chips. You shot

the critter at the base of the tail.”

G.T.- “Let me see if I got this straight. You mean you shoot him in

the ass with a B-B gun loaded with Buffalo chips?”

J.J.- “Yeah, that's right, only it had to be #4 Buffalo chips. #2 or

6 wouldn't work.”

                                  ( 5 )

G.T.- “I don't mean to sound stupid but how the hell can you tell the diff-

erence between a #2 or a #4 Buffalo chip? One Buffalo chip looks the

same as another to me.”

J.J.- “That is the same as saying all potato chips look alike. A #2 Buffalo

chip is as different from a #4 Buffalo chip as night is different from

day.”

G.T.- “That might very well be true. When did you first go into the Jerky

hunting business?”

J.J.- “Well, back in '93 when they were building the railroad, they hired

me as a hunter. I was buming around with no job. We had just finished

bringing a big herd of Green Naugha up from Texas. You might have heard

of that. 5000 Naga in one herd. Trail boss that drive was an old

Naugaboy from New Jersey. Name of Poo Bear. He got killed during the

drive. A grasshopper spooked the herd and they stampeded. Well, Poo Bear

was riding his favorite mule, name of Sklow, don't know where he got that

name, when the dern mule stepped in a stick lizard track. They fell and

about 2000 Nauga ran over them. Mule wasn't hurt but Poo Bear....”

    “Any way I didn't have no job so I hired on. First day I killed 273

rabbits and brought them in for the boys to eat. What people don't know

is that my real name is Jessie William, so the boys around camp started

calling me Bunny Bill.....”

    In the next issue of the Tribune we will continue with this thrilling

interview. Hear Jerky discuss the mating habits of the Jerky and describe

going on a hunt with the feared Polecat Indians.



                                   ( 6 )

********************* SPORTS! SPORTS! AND SPORTS! **********************


Racker Marathon--------

Berthing- APL- Well sports fan (singular), the Racker Marathon is in

full swing as we start this patrol off.  In the lead we find the soon to

be SS, Nine Toed Privit as he accumulates 95 “rack sore” hours, followed

close behind by the former Stbd Vital Laundary Queen, Queen Johns the

First. Queen Johns (alias 'Dyke') had a late start but has moved quick-

ly into 2nd place threating the ever increasing lead of 0l' Nine Toe.

Queen Johns pasted Wee Willy Whity at 0332 last night when Whity was

forced to get up to “take a leak”.  In a close fourth is “Sleeper”

Snatch who attributes his success by limiting himself to watching only

one reel of every movie and having non-quals do his PM's.  When he

found out he was only in fourth Sleeper replied, “I'll rub out doze

udder gizes wid my Sam-er-i sward.”

    Within the major marathon is a minor “personal” marathon between

Oinker Evens and Laidback Landon. The reason Laidback is only a half

hour behind Oinker is that he stayed up to see if there was really a

tit shot in the last reel of Mary, Queen of Scots.

    Here is the standings:

1. Privit.........95 marathon hrs. 6. Lowballs.........50
2. Johns..........89               7. Evens............48
3. Whity..........73               8. Landon...........47 1/2 
4. Snatch.........72               9. Baily............33 
5. Wendland.......68               10. Ens Garboon.....25


Other scores around the nation:

Roarick (alias 'TAG')-- 0 .....AMR2LL --------- 15
Hatch ----------------- 1 .....Privit --------- 0
Johns ----------------- 0 .....Snake Pit ------ 5
Sylvester ------------- 3 .....TDU Can -------- 25
Bilge Troll ----------- 83 ....Watchstanders -- 4 
Roller Skate ---------- 2 .....6SA ------------ 440 volts

                                   ( 7 )

            QTABLE  QUOTES  AND  OTHER  EXTRANIOUS  GARBAGE


Chad- “Driving in my LTD, eating a BLT, looking for an ELT to pick
      up my TLD.”  If he drops it in the bilge, he’ll be SOL.

Bulldog- “The storekeepers are on 12 and 12 alright, 12 off and 12
      hrs. fucking off.”

Mr. Hamlin (over the 2MC)- “High salinity after lighting ABT.”

CO- “Drills should be fun.”

Mr. Hamlin (again)- “Check all temperatures monitered on TM and
      salinity panels.”

The XO won’t let anyone go into 4 section so instead they’ll let
the extra men have days off, (liberty). I guess he’ll go to the
E&E space and look through the picture window like on the Seaview.

Who was the mysterious flapper in the Wardroom’s head?  Any answers
Mr. Felton?

Mr. Richerson seems to be seen running around in his sweat suit alot.
Some people say he is runing around looking for Landon.

And now a flash from the Hobbit Hole of the laundry Witches:
This weeks winner of Ships Golden Skivy Skid Mark Sweepstakes, with
a unanimous decision of the judges was QMSN Mullen for his outstand-
ing effort in creating the most difficult skid mark of them all, the
Double-Four-inch Flared Bottom Bonanza.

***********************************************************************

MOVIE  HACKER  POINTS.......

   The movies shown so far leave plenty to be desired in the way of
entertainment. If they are a sample of what to expect on the first
Movie Marathon then the turn out may be slim indeed.
   Hacker points are given on a scale of from 10 to minus 5, 10
being the worst such as a foreign flick with sub-titles and no sex.
Minous 5 is the best and you can guess what that could be, Deep
Throat.

Mary, Queen of Scotts..... 6         Naked Under Leather....... 3
Summer of ’42............ -1         Oklahoma Crude........... -2
Breezy.................... 1         Without Apparent Motive... 8
Solent Green............. –2         Cool Million.............. 3
Emperor of the North..... –1         Paper Chase............... 1
That Man Bolt............. 3
Hit...................... –2         (These ratings are ment to be as
Summertime Killers........ 1         fair as possible and may not re-
J C Superstar............. 2         flect the feelings if some indi-
Hex....................... 0         viduals.)

                                 ( 8 )

****************  A  LOOK  AT  THE  PAST  DEPARTMENT  **************


Did You Happen To See.........

Dalrymple being lowered by the davit?

Anderson forgetting to turn off the ice cream machine?

Tremaine getting blown back on the Bodega Tour?

Durham learing to spell Henning’s name?

Henning using Dunhams name in vain?

Procedures Piranah explaining to pistol Pete the importance of
repairing EAB Masks?

Sadler telling Pistol Pete he got orders to Washington?

Chief Smith making expresso?

The XO and Eng using both hand rails to totter down the brow?

Lainkey?

Mr. Brown throwing his silverware across the Wardroom?

Snatch falling out of his rack?

The life raft kicking Coon’s ass?

Asher crawling through the ventilation line looking for an old rubber?

The green pipe that runs fore and aft?

MS-2 & 1 setting a new record for flooding?

Hauger helping Privit to implement his plan for winning the Racker
Marathon?

Gillerte’s clothes crawling into the dryer to get warm?

Reith looking for a can of dehydrated water?

Pierce explaining how you can go from a full power lineup to a No
Power lineup with only a Simpson?

Miskell asking the topside watch, “What’s that big thing back aft with
all the numbers and the light on it?”

The COW pumping water forward to compensate for the cups aft?

Latscher finding out that his true love hocked his trains?

                                 ( 9 )

End of issue 1